Every year the Massachusetts chapter of the Society for the Decimation of Rabbits holds its annual meeting in May. This year the big topic of discussion was the revelation of canine population control contained in Republican vice-presidential hopeful Kristi Noem’s forthcoming book, No Going Back, The Truth on What’s Wrong with Politics and How We can Move America Forward (Again). As Chapter President, Trooper K. agreed to this interview, to present the views of the Massachusetts Chapter on those deeds of vigilantism described in Kristi’s book. For brevity, certain portions of the interview have been omitted, and some of Trooper’s answers have been condensed by removing his woofs.
Trooper K Pondering a Question
Interviewer (“I”): Trooper, it is a pleasure to sit down with you. Thank you for agreeing to speak with us. Love that pipe. What type of tobacco?
Trooper K (“TK”): My pleasure. I always smoke rabbitcense.
I: Ah, yes, nothing like the aroma of smoked rabbit. Well let’s get right to it. What are all you dogs saying about Kristi Noem telling us that she shot her dog, Cricket, for killing some chickens?
TK: It was quite a shocker. What was that woman’s name? We call her Lady Grim, as in the Grim Reaper.
I: Noem.
TK: No, her name.
I: Noem, her name is Noem.
TK: OK, let’s agree to call her Kristi. It sure appears the Republican party won’t be swapping their elephant mascot for a dog mascot anytime soon.
I: You probably read her reason for giving Cricket a one-way ticket to Rainbow Bridge. Kristi wrote that Cricket was serially attacking several chickens, in a manner that Kristi could only describe as that of a “trained assassin.”
TK: That’s ironic, because we canines also likened the actions of Kristi to those of a trained assassin. Perhaps what Kristi did to Cricket should be done to Kristi. You know the whole Hammurabi Code philosophy of justice, an eye-for-an-eye and all that.
I: Harsh stuff.
TK: Tell it to Cricket’s mom.
I: What are you dogs going to do about Cricket and Kristi?
TK: That’s a good question. There is a grass roots canine call-to-action campaign advocating for Kristi’s prosecution.
I: What are you talking about? Prosecute her for what?
TK: For what? For murdering Cricket and violating South Dakota law. You see, South Dakota, like most states, has laws that protect animals from human abuse. Not to bore you with details, but South Dakota law 40-1-2.4 makes it a class 6 felony if a person subjects an animal to cruelty. South Dakota law 40-1-1 defines “cruelty” as “to intentionally, willfully, and maliciously inflict gross physical abuse on an animal that causes prolonged pain, that causes serious physical injury, or that results in the death of the animal.” So I guess the only question up for grabs is whether Kristi is a person.
I: Ouch!
TK: Tell it to Cricket’s mother.
I: I understand that Cricket wasn’t Kristi’s only animal recipient of Noem justice. Is that right?
TK: Correct, and here is where Kristi really gets into trouble. Because Kristi has also taken credit for killing three horses and a goat. I guess the goat was stubborn, as goats are wont to be, and it took two shots to the head for Noem justice to be executed, so to speak. All of which killings would appear to violate South Dakota law preventing cruelty to animals, making all of these acts class 6 felonies. And in South Dakota, if a person commits 3 or more felonies, the punishment pursuant to South Dakota statute 22-7 is life in prison.
I: I suspect Kristi was not a disciple of the Buddha. Not a lot of monasteries out there in the hills of South Dakota I suppose.
TK: That is exactly what our Tibetan Huskies were woofing.
I: Wow, so what are you doing about this?
TK: Nothing.
I: Why? Why, nothing? Doesn’t sound like you, being the canine evangelist you say you are.
TK: Wake up and smell the coffee. Maybe you don’t have a dog’s nose, but you can smell a rat, just like we can smell a rat. And the rat is Sam Alito (or perhaps Mrs. Alito). You see one day after the Kristi story broke about Cricket, a photographer took this picture of this flag hanging next to Alito’s summer bungalow.
TK: An upside-down dog on an American flag; we know where this is headed. If we brought a lawsuit in South Dakota against Kristi it would get appealed all the way to the Supreme Court, and that is the place where all justice stops. Alito would say that the South Dakota laws were infringing on the Second Amendment. Why have a constitutional right to bear arms, if you can’t fire those borne arms? They would probably say that the South Dakota laws are fine except when it comes to shooting animals, and then, the Second Amendment runs the show. And as we all know, it is just a matter of time before Alito, Thomas and friends rule that the president is immune from criminal prosecution. Is it a big leap to say that such blanket immunity extends to governors, the de facto presidents of the 50 states? It is a pretty bleak world out there for animal rights.
I: What about the fact that people are saying Cricket was a bitch?
TK: Wait a minute, I think you got the roles reversed here; Kristi, not Cricket, was / is a bitch.
I: No, you misunderstand me. What I meant is that Cricket was a female dog and rumors are swirling that Cricket was pregnant when she was killed.
TK: OK, now I got you. Bingo, you hit on our ace in the hole (I will not say trump card). That is exactly right. We have requested an autopsy of Cricket, but there is a lot of resistance to complying, which further raises our suspicions. Because if the rumors are true and Cricket was expecting, then we have a whole new ballgame. We are talking abortion or facilitation of abortion and you know what those South Dakota right-to-lifers think about that. I mean after the Texas story about Pauline and Parcus Penguin broke, there is no way that a court could condone killing a pregnant dog. For sure, that case established the inalienable right of an animal fetus to see the light of day, not be buried in some sand pit.
I: That would be a fascinating controversy, wouldn’t it?
TK: Darn straight. Because if Cricket were pregnant when she was shot by Kristi, we would have on opposite sides of the case gun rights advocates pitted against pro-lifers. Who knows who will win when the gun lobby confronts Christian fundamentalists?
I: Wait a second, pro-lifers and pro-gunners, aren’t they the same people?
TK: Exactly, that’s what makes the prospect of such a spectacle so fascinating. I guess their philosophy is that it is better to be born and then shot to death than not being born at all.
I: Interesting, maybe they have a point. I suspect Mrs. Alito knows who would win. Wow, good luck with that mess.
TK: Thanks. We will need it.
I: Do you think this story will hurt Kristi’s chances to be the Donald’s choice for VP?
TK: Doubt it. The presumptive Republican presidential candidate and his supporters are not big on empathy. Check out this campaign banner flying in all 50 states. You can buy it on Amazon for $7.99.
TK: And don’t forget, Kristi has already given the Donald a sculpture of Mount Rushmore with the Donald’s head carved in stone.
I: Do you have any theories why someone like Kristi would do this to animals?
TK: Cranial nerve damage caused by excess botox injections and excess dental reformations.
I: Sticking with animals, let’s talk about the 500 pound gorilla sitting smack dab in the middle of the table with respect to your group’s role in this. After all, you are President of a state chapter of the Society for the Decimation of Rabbits. What is the difference between decimating the rabbit population and what Kristi’s Cricket had coming to her?
TK: Nothing. And that is what scares us. After all rabbit tastes just like chicken. Especially when smoked!
Copyright 2024. Peter Kelman. All rights reserved.